Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
pray to the hookup gods
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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