look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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