Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
