I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
