it was like his penis was on wheels.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
