I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
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I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
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I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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