so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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