if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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