i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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