Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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