My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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