I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
