Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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