do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's always time for handjobs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
