It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
