It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
