I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
