Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
