You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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