Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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