Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
