got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
