When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
