How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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