The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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