i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
