Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
