My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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