i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
