fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
