Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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