I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
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