Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
