I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
