im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I fill condoms, not promises.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
