I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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