just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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