My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
