If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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