At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im having a threesome with these popsicles
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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