just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
