I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need a beard to bite.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
