True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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