My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
