Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
