The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
