Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
