all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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