I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
