I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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