please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
