i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
