And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
