Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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