nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
