Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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