haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
